Gaining

SkinnyD:
I think the most important thing is that you focus on what makes you happy and healthy, not what you think will appeal to others. You want to stay looking fit to attract someone, when underneath it's kinda a lie, because you would really like to gain. How could you find someone that you would be comfortable with in the future if you're hiding what you want?

I certainly wouldn't say to avoid the gym, definitely keep working out, make the effort to go there, eat healthy foods. Just enjoy the food you want to as well, don't worry about someone else not liking your weight, that's clearly someone who wouldn't make you happy anyway. Find someone who likes the weight, or is at least supportive.

As far as going back and forth between wanting to gain or not, I'm still in a weird spot where I'm so used to being thin and athletic, that having a bit of a tummy and getting even bigger still feels and looks weird and "wrong". I like it so much though that I know I am happier this way, and I will eventually become more comfortable with it. I refuse to give up on being athletic though, so I'm trying even harder to exercise now, which of course makes gaining harder, but at least I'll feel much better about myself and be in better health. That's how I feel, anyway.

StoryEnjoyer:
I do often think about the first part, this desire is something I don't think will really ever go away, and I would sort of be living a form of denial my entire life hiding it. Many probably do this for other things in life, so is it that bad? Not sure.

The gym bit isn't bad advice, but the main reason I do go is the reduction/keeping weight off. Lifting weights is fun too, and good for any lifestyle certainly. But it would be weird going to the gym and not seeing progress in any direction because of a neutral diet. Not bad, just weird.

For that last part, do you ever have moments where you are like "what am I doing here?" when you feel yourself a bit bigger? I ask because of the part where you said sometimes it feels wrong, I have had that too in the past.

StoryEnjoyer:
I do often think about the first part, this desire is something I don't think will really ever go away, and I would sort of be living a form of denial my entire life hiding it. Many probably do this for other things in life, so is it that bad? Not sure.

The gym bit isn't bad advice, but the main reason I do go is the reduction/keeping weight off. Lifting weights is fun too, and good for any lifestyle certainly. But it would be weird going to the gym and not seeing progress in any direction because of a neutral diet. Not bad, just weird.

For that last part, do you ever have moments where you are like "what am I doing here?" when you feel yourself a bit bigger? I ask because of the part where you said sometimes it feels wrong, I have had that too in the past.

SkinnyD:
The way I look at it now, is why hide yourself from the world to please others or to conform? If you're not hurting anyone or being irresponsible, why should you feel any shame for being yourself? Because society says you should only be skinny? This is your life, not anyone else's.

I think you would see progress in the gym if you are eating appropriately and putting in the work. You would see your strength and stamina improve, and if you're building muscle it's still going to show.

And yes, I do get those moments, thinking how I'll never be as quick on my feet, how I never thought I'd have a fat stomach which already looks so big and gross (it actually isn't, but looking down at it sometimes it surprises me still and it's just so different from the flat stomach I had, plus all the years of internalizing the idea that fat bellies don't look good on guys and that I am not like those fat people), how I have to start dressing differently now, all the clothes that won't fit, etc. But then when I'm in the shower or laying back on the bed and everything just feels so nice, I know I could never give it up now. I see someone much bigger and often realize how envious I am of how they look (I like that drawing in your profile pic btw). I think a lot of it is just overcoming the negative things that you've internalized, and getting used to the change. It took a lot to even decide that yea, I'm going to go ahead and gain and accept that things will change, but I'm going to get something I really enjoy out of all this.

Potbelly Piglet:
Thanks for all the great thoughts in this thread! I’ve been struggling with this for years now and still haven’t figured out how to feel.

On the one hand, I want to be healthy and look good in clothes. I also worry about finding a partner while a bigger weight, plus my family is a bit fatphobic.

On the other hand, I love bigger bodies and eating the food I like. I feel so good being big, and I’d love to get even bigger.

It feels like I have these two halves of myself that are always fighting and there’s no compromise for them.

Razz:
All I can really say to the "two halves pulling you in different directions" thing is that it seems like it will be a constant struggle.

Personally I have to like, deliberately choose to let myself let go and to overeat without care when I want to put more weight on. My default mode is to eat fairly healthy and restrained during the week, because part of me does get wrapped around people being judgey, and my (already sized-up twice) clothes fitting differently, and just keeping myself feeling good health-wise. These are natural worries and there isn't an easy way to tell them to go away, just the truth.

But then I inevitably get caught up in these other feelings by the weekend. I wake up realizing there is a heavy belly in my lap and go feral or something, lol. One reminder that I am fat, and I switch to my other mode. I will eat whatever I want in the amounts that I want, and I'll do it fantasizing about my belly being bigger. How is there any way to say no to that either? There is none, it's a part of me and many of us here. If being this fat feels this good to you, you are just meant to be fat.

Ultimately what's allowed my gaining side win was just taking it 10 lbs at a time. I know at any point I'm capable of hitting "pause" (maintaining an already-fat weight that is, losing is not something I can do longterm lol) if I need to let my body and mindset catch up. If I'm in a "okay, I'm ready for another 10 or 20 lbs and getting there will feel better than anything else to me" mood, then I just never say no to anything, any day of the week. Reevaluate how it feels when I get to the short-term goal, maybe pause there for a bit and take a breath.

Making the choice for 10 or 20 lbs more, you're just ready when you're ready. At some point you just want it more than the negative value of everything else telling you not to. The feedee voice in your head never seems to go away once you give into it a little bit, but you learn to welcome it as your true feelings